How do you break up with someone who you are in love with but you know they are bad for you in the long run?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I love him so much, enough that I would marry him if love were the only factor in making such a decision. But it is not. We live together but he goes over to friends houses and plays video games, poker or goes out to the bars almost every night of the week. It is crap and I know it. I am ready to have this all be over but it is difficult because I still love him so much and I want to have a back bone when I actually do it. I don't want to cave, start crying and end up begging for him to come back.


I need advice for breaking up with someone you still love, I need words of encouragement and maybe your own experience with something similar.How do you break up with someone who you are in love with but you know they are bad for you in the long run?
Honey, I was married and with the same man off %26amp; on for half my life!! We were together off %26amp; on for 19 years!! But the off parts I remarried and had another child. And actually during that time I'd really forgotten about him, and really fell in-love with my youngest daughter's father! Until he got into trouble with the law and I waited Faithfully 5 years for him to get out of prison and it was all for nothing!! The man didn't learn a thing while in Prison!! He went back to doing drugs again, so I devorced him. So, while I was single I began praying for God to bring someone in my life, because I had already spent almost 6 years living in celebesy!! So, by that time I was getting pretty lonely....When all of a sudden one day I got a letter in the mail from this same man I'd known half of my life, who was wanting my phone number so we could reconnect. Well, I was wondering how he'd gotten my address, and found out my Ex-husband that I waited 5 years for gave it to him!! I guess he thought he was doing me a favor and felt bad for going back to his old ways after I waited 5 years for him, who knows why but he gave him my address. Well, we cooresponded for a few months, and he told me that he didn't party anymore, and I told him I was now a Christian, and went to church every Sunday!! That the kids never saw me ever smoke, drink, cuss, or any of those things he %26amp; I used to do, right. Well when things got heated up he lied to me and told me he only drank maybe a Quart of beer every once in awhile, and that he didn't have any drinking problems and that he'd love to rekindle what we used to have again, right. Well I fell for all of it, ';Hook, line %26amp; sinker!!'; When I picked him up from the Greyhound, it was for a trial basis, because his father was very ill, and needed his ';Moral Support'; while he was actually on his death bed so we'd agreed to have him come for two weeks the night I'd picked him up from the Greyhound, right. Well, as soon as we pulled up from the bus station to our house, my oldest son yells out the door, ';David some girl called and said its an emergency! She said she was your sister, to call her back as soon as possible!!'; Well he %26amp; I both knew his dad had passed-away, because he %26amp; Sharon hated eachother and she wouldn't call him unless it was an emergency!! So, he stayed long enough to get things together to go back to Long Beach, to tie up loose ends for his father and plan for the funeral, right. Well in just those couple of days, he had turned our lives completely around 180 degrees!!! He started to dictating to my kids, as if they were all his, in which two of my kids were from another marriage. He didn't just drink the quart a day like he lied to me and said he did, it was more like a 12 pack a day!!! He yelled and screamed like a woman if I didn't agree with things he was doing!! Which really annoyed me!! And so when he left for Long Beach I'd of told him not to come back, if his father hadn't died. But I felt sorry for him, because I then knew because he been taking care of his father for so long he was living with him in his Trailor. Well, that was until his father died. So he went back home to get the trailor, and close all of his accounts, and get all of his things in order to bring them back to live with us!! Well had I not been so lonely and so worried for his well being because of his closest family member dieing on him, I'd of definately said ';Hit the road Jack, and dont cha' come back no more!!'; But under the circumstances I couldn't do that at that time.. Okay, so we ended-up together for another 4 years, and in 2001 we got married, but shortly after we did, I was already to get the marriage annulled. Because he flurted with any women , and looked at other women!! And if I so much as looked at a man who was speaking to me, he would say I was ';Eye Fu-------g him!! How bazarre is that!! This man knew all the tricks, and he was a ';PRO'; at it too!! See I ended-up getting hit by a car, one night after he %26amp; I got into a bad arguement, and I was so afraid he was going to hit me, that I left and ran from him to go and get some fast food to sober him up with!! While I was running down the street to go to the store to get away from him, somehow I ended-up in the middle of the street almost dead!! I am not the type of person no matter how drunk I am, to walk out into traffic without making sure its clear!! Some family members think he threw me in front of this man's truck!! I will never know because I have no recolection of the whole ordeal, whatsoever!! So to make a long story short, before I got hit by this car our newly wed days got sour really quick and I was very serious about devorcing him, right away, until I got hit by the car!! Then he had to take care of me, for a good 2 years, and take me to therapy and everything!! He went through 4 major surgeries with me, and carried my wheelchair up stairs for me, you name it, this man did it, ';Why?'; I'll never know!! Was it his ';Quilt Conscience'; for throwing me in front of this truck, or did he really truely love me, enough to go through this Hell ride with me?!! To this day I still dont know!! But, what ended-up happening is one day I ended-up going for a bike ride to the park, with a couple of beers with me, to think things through. It got to the point to where his back was so bad he was trying to get one disability and while he was on pain medication he became the meanest person to the kids %26amp; I so much so, that we actually enjoyed it when he was asleep!! How sad is that!! So, while I was at the park, I went there to think of all the ';Pro's %26amp; Con's'; of him leaving or staying, right?!! Well, I must have cried my eyes out, because as abusive as this man was he also was a very loving and caring man towards me and our kids....See my problem has always been that I dont know how to pick men, that are good for me, for the simple fact that I was badly abused as a child and never shown love by my father, so any kind of love was suffice for me, even if the man was abusive to me, was exceptable, because I identified love with abuse. Because that's the only kind of attention I got when I was a kid!! So, while I was at this park, I cried my eyes out, for the kids, for me, for David, for all of us really!! And then I made my mind up......I went home and when I walked in the door he had my daughter on the phone looking for me, because it wasn't like me to ever go anywhere without his permission, let alone for an hour or two!!! So he had my daughter talking to my Mom when I walked in the house, right. Well, I had totally forgotten she was on the phone with my Mom and I flat-out told David, after he started to yelling at me about being gone!! I told him: ';The kids aren't happy, and I'm not happy anymore, so you have to get your things together David and leave as soon as possible, because if we put this off any longer I'll go crazy!!'; Well he wouldn't hear of it!! He started to beating me up and smashed a couple of beer cans over my head, and told me he wasn't going anywhere!! That's when I told my daughter to take her bike key and go ride to Grandma's house, that I no longer wanted her to see her mother getting beat-up and yelled at by him anymore!!! As of today, this was going to stop!! Well he wouldn't even allow her to leave!! So the fight escalated into him knocking me over so hard I hit my head and blacked-out!! Next thing I know he's yelling at my daughter to stop screaming, and that's when I got up and grabbed her gave her the key and told her to run as fast as she can, while he was trying to stop her, I yelled at him that he'd better leave too, because I knew my Mom would be calling the cops!! So, he layed off of her, and proceded to try to leave on his bike, out our back door!! When the cops came they had asked me, why hadn't I called them sooner, because they'd noticed not only fresh marks around my neck and face, but old bruises too. I told them ';Because I didn't trust him to lie and say something bad about me, to have me arrested after beating me up just so he wouldn't have to go to jail, that he was notorious for this sort of reverse phsycology, with anyone he would encounter with. The cops said well he's going away for awhile and if you have any problems when he gets out, to please get a restraining order, so that we can arrest him again if he so much as comes within 50 yards of your door and your Mother's door, or your daughter!!! So to make a long story short, I am so sorry for writing a book on you, but this has been a long dragged-out complicated relationship, how do you put it all into words, you know. My best advice to you is to seperate your heart from this man, and make him leave!!! You have to do whats best for you now, hun!! This man isn't wanting to settle down and be with just you.....He's obviously making you unhappy, so if this relationship is all about him doing as he pleases, even if this hurts you and knowing this hurts you, but he still persist's, he's a very selfish man!! And self centered, and in his world there's no place for you, except for a bed to lay down in and have sex whenever he want's, you know!! This isn't a healthy relationship at all, my dear!! You deserve much better treatment from anyone, but him!! So, in order to do this you have to tell yourself you need to shut him out of your heart for awhile and mentally get that man out of your thoughts once he's gone!!! Keep as busy with family friends anyone to build new memories with as possible, so that you wont feel alone and vulnerable!!! Because this is what we have a tendecy to feel once their gone, is totally vulnerable alone, lost, empty, you name it......But you have to look at all of the good going on around you once he's gone!! The fact that your not putting up with his crap anymore, that he's not going to stomp all over your heart anymore!! Disrespect your feelings anymore!!! He's not going to leave you at home while he plays at the bars as often as he pleases anymore!!! Those things you have to keep on the surface and not forget about them, because soon enough you'll forget about all of the bad, and begin to tell yourself ';Why did I leave him, anyway?'; He was funny, and he did this and that, and you'll only begin to remember the good about him, and that's when we weaken and take them back!! By forgetting about all of the bad things they did!! And see we're perfect targets for these types, because they like women like us, because we are the only one's who will put up with their crap!! Most women wouldn't put up with half the stuff we've endured!! So that alone should make you stronger in your decision to leave him or have him leave!! Knowing most women wouldn't think twice about one day with the guys we chose!!! Why should we!!!??? RIGHT?!!! You have to tell yourself I am worthy of being treated with respect, I am worthy of a good man!!! I am a much better person for not settling for this crap anymore!!! And just make your move honey!! Get MAD As Heck, because if you dont, he willl continue this sherade, thinking he has you right where he wants you, at home putting up with his crap!!! NOT!!! Tell yourself, sure you'll be alone for a little while, but its only a 2 minute high, (sex, that is) considering the crap you put up with!! None of it is worth what your going through for that 2 minute high, you know?!!! Not one minute of his nonsense is worth the emotional scars he's putting you through !!! You deserve to have peace in your life!! To not just be his ';Doormat'; whenever he feels like he wants to come home and play house on his terms!!! Life's not fair sometimes to a nice girls, but guess what? I would rather be alone and have my peace of mind and a stress-free lifestyle, than even 1/4 of what my EX used to put me through!!! For what a 2 minute high!! I dont think so, not anymore!! I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to go through that crap again!!! Anyday!!! I dont care how lonely I get sometimes, I actually think he's even cured me of ever wanting to date again!!! Maybe when my kids are grown, in 3 %26amp; 5 years, but otherwise, I have no desire to go through any more crap from any man, anymore, now!! I'm too strong on my own now, and I dont want any man breaking down my backbone again, you know!! I've come along way since those days!! I've grown-up alot and I've learned how to love myself, for the first time in my life, and how much I deserve to have nice things, and not go through the beatings anymore!! That I Christina no longer will allow any human being to put their hands on my body in a violent way ever again in my lifetime!!! Not ever again!!! So this is just what you have to say, is I no longer will go through his mental abuse anymore!! That I deserve to have peace of mind!! I deserve to be treated better by everyone!! I am worthy of a better life!!! Good Luck to you hun, I'll say a prayer for you, okay!! God Bless you honey!!! Better Days are ahead, you just have to make your move!!! Smile!!!How do you break up with someone who you are in love with but you know they are bad for you in the long run?
Tell him if you really love me then you have 2 stop living this way...compromise...maybe he can go out to the bar every now and then....play video games every now and den too...u kno..wrk it out...and if he doesn't want to change...then mayb u shood treat hiim da same way
Zilla, what's to decide here? Do you think you can suddenly change him after 2 years of this negative, destructive, static activity? If you stay with him, you are only rewarding negative behavior. In life you get what you settle for. If you think this is all you are worth, and you feel you can be happy being miserable....have at it! If you want to do this non- confrontationally, send him an email saying ';hey, just a line to let you know, I am making some changes in my life....and you are one of the changes';. Then no longer take his phone calls, emails, or interceding ';friends'; phone calls or emails. Zilla, it's time to move on. There are quality guys out there. You are the only one keeping yourself from meeting them.
Hi,


I understand your situation. Sometimes we can love persons or things that are bad for us. Our love for them doesn't change their badness for us. At least you're wise enough to see that this won't work %26amp; that this is a dead end road. You have to have a dream in your heart, that there is a person out there that can love you %26amp; is good for you. Because I believe that there is someone for everybody. We were made for relationships....healthy relationships! Love between a man %26amp; a woman is something that should be special not one sided or halfway...let him go %26amp; let him find someone who is on his level...and you go %26amp; find someone who is on your level - someone who will love you, and have consideration for you and be there for you....you have to let go of the bad to make room for the good!


I think you know what you need to do!


Be strong, %26amp; may God bless you!


bye bye
I would suggest having a serious talk with him. If he loves you as much as u love him he would stop his behaviour or at least do it less often. I dont necessarily see that as an excuse to break up with him, considering HOW you describe your ';love'; for him.
What I would do is write the bad things on a piece of paper on why you want to break up with him...Look in the mirror and practice what you are going to say to him...and when the time comes stick to your guns..you can do much better then him...someone that cherishes you and wants to spend plenty of quality time with you...be brave and strong ....go for it....you deserve the best
don't break up!





talk to him tell him how you feel try to work it out first


you'll regret what you didn't do before breaking up if you break up now.
wow sweetie that does sound hard. if you still are in love with him that much though and even would marry him are you sure this is something you want to do? I mean the video games is just a guy thing though i know it can be annoying sometimes. The poker...well as long as he is not gambling ALL his money away and getting addicted its not really a problem...just another guy thing. Going to bars is also something they like to do but i can understand how that would make you frustrated and uncomfortable. Maybe you should talk to him about it. Maybe you guys could come up with a compromise. Like him only going once or twice a week or even taking you with him now and then so you can see what is going on and check out the scenery yourself. But in the end go with your gut instinct. If your truly not happy and you think you have tried talking it out and its still getting no wheres then leave him. Maybe that will be a wake up call to him and he will calm down on his going out if he doesn't want to loose you. But definitely talk to him first. Good luck sweetie.
I am in a similar position so this is what I am doing...





Think of what you would tell your friend if she were going through the same thing. Then tell yourself that. Remind yourself that you are strong and an amazing individual who deserves the best.





Then figure out exactly what you are going to say. Tell yourself that you are not going to stray from whatever this is so you don't change your mind half way through.





If you think you still want to work it out then remember that if he loves you, he'll let you know.





Good luck and stay strong!!